What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by pjhair » 1 year ago

kj6723 wrote:
1 year ago
Given my experience with people like this I've encountered in my own life, she probably does this to plenty of other people, and enough of them let her get away with it that she is unlikely to change her ways.
Precisely. She is acting this way because not enough people call her out. I wonder when will society start to notice and criticize this kind of repulsive behavior that many women display towards men, especially towards men they are not interested in. They complain about mistreatment of women all the time. Do they ever bother to notice how cruel women can be towards men they are not interested in?

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by That Guy » 1 year ago

pjhair wrote:
1 year ago
Precisely. She is acting this way because not enough people call her out. I wonder when will society start to notice and criticize this kind of repulsive behavior that many women display towards men, especially towards men they are not interested in. They complain about mistreatment of women all the time. Do they ever bother to notice how cruel women can be towards men they are not interested in?
You guys keep talking as if this is exclusively a women on Tinder experience.

This is society in general now.

People only SAY they'll do something with you until something else they think they'd rather do pops up, and like everything else...it's on a moment's notice. I find it amazing how many people "just don't know" what they'll be doing on Thursday night these days. I've been told by my friends that I'm literally the only one they know who still makes, and keeps to plans.

I've called people out on it and guess what? It does no good. They get defensive, offended, and they have plausible deniability because it's almost always impossible to prove they just ditched you.

The only thing you can do is play the same game. Make no concrete plans with them; ALWAYS have something else you plan to do that is completely on you, and ONLY ditch it if, at the last second, the thing you were hoping for actually pans out. Planning on going to the gym tonight if you're Tinder date doesn't show? No, do it the other way around. Go to the gym and if she messages you saying "Hey, I'm on my way to the restaurant" THEN change your course.

It's stupid, it's a terrible way to live, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that it's the only way to do stuff with other people without driving yourself mad.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by pjhair » 1 year ago

That Guy wrote:
1 year ago
You guys keep talking as if this is exclusively a women on Tinder experience.

This is society in general now.

People only SAY they'll do something with you until something else they think they'd rather do pops up, and like everything else...it's on a moment's notice. I find it amazing how many people "just don't know" what they'll be doing on Thursday night these days. I've been told by my friends that I'm literally the only one they know who still makes, and keeps to plans.

I've called people out on it and guess what? It does no good. They get defensive, offended, and they have plausible deniability because it's almost always impossible to prove they just ditched you.

The only thing you can do is play the same game. Make no concrete plans with them; ALWAYS have something else you plan to do that is completely on you, and ONLY ditch it if, at the last second, the thing you were hoping for actually pans out. Planning on going to the gym tonight if you're Tinder date doesn't show? No, do it the other way around. Go to the gym and if she messages you saying "Hey, I'm on my way to the restaurant" THEN change your course.

It's stupid, it's a terrible way to live, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that it's the only way to do stuff with other people without driving yourself mad.
In the context of dating, women are especially bad at flaking and are known to be very insensitive towards guy they are not interested in.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by blackg » 1 year ago

Admin wrote:
1 year ago
Her lack of enthusiasm was painful to read. She's a narcssisit.
Here we go... another narcssisit.
embrace pansexuality

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by That Guy » 1 year ago

pjhair wrote:
1 year ago
In the context of dating, women are especially bad at flaking and are known to be very insensitive towards guy they are not interested in.
No offense, but I read that and the only think I could think was "...and?"

I suspect it's more common in online dating for reasons I previously stated. I don't know, as I've never used online dating, always the "oldschool" way, but I've only ever had one or two dates flake on me. I know that's "weird" to people now, as they see stuff like Tinder as mandatory, I disagree, but that's beside the point.

This is despite the era of the cellphone and amorphous "plans". So I'd say the most reasonable conclusion I can make based on my experience, is that if she's into you, she'll follow through.

Also, I don't get what you mean by "insensitive" to the guy other than regarding wasting his time. She's not under any obligation to be "sensitive" to the guy's feelings, if that's what you mean. It would be common decency, but again, on something like Tinder which is purely assessing the potential date on as few details as possible — you really can't expect that.

I just don't know what other answer really exists to Afro's question here except that accepting it's shitty behavior, but the norm for plans made with people you haven't even met yet in the smartphone era, but there's nothing you can really do about it. Women on Tinder I think dgaf if you're crying yourself to sleep and ordering all the desserts at Denny's if she flaked on you, a guy she's never even met. Why would she when she just got a match and a meal ticket from Chad ten minutes ago? Her perspective on this, however flawed or blatantly wrong, is likely that "oh well, I'll never see him again and he's probably got several other matches anyway"

So, what should you do when a girl flakes? Move on. Also, try to meet more women in person.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by That Guy » 1 year ago

Also, guys..there's the matter that data shows 70% of people never even meet their Tinder matches. https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/use-t ... ng/1839174

Most people do it for *drum roll*

Image

This is from about 4,000 people surveyed.

If you're looking for love on Tinder, your chances of finding it are pretty low

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by Admin » 1 year ago

blackg wrote:
1 year ago
Here we go... another narcissist.
Yes. Let me expand on that, what a lot of people don't know is that there are two types of people among the population, normal people who are capable of changing their ways, adapt their behavior and recognize when they wrong and the others, they are the people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. The official statistics say that they make up for 1-2% of the population but it might be slightly higher than that. But they're rare enough and blend into the general population so well that people often don't know about them.

So they get confused and think think the disorder applies to the whole human race. Now this is a complicated subject and if you want to know more about it, there are many books by great mental health professionals out there that explain exactly what it is. I'll still try to explain it with my own words. Let's keep it simple: some people cannot be saved. I'll use the example of my father for that, he made (and still does to an extent) the life of my mother and I a living hell, constant verbal abuse, day in, day out. It blew up regularly at home, my mom and I blew up, we used to cry and yell at him, call him out like @pjhair suggested you do with that girl.

And it didn't stop there, we've seen more mental health professionals than I can count for family therapy sessions, and they've all said the same to him, that he was sick and that his behavior was not normal, that he was hurting us and that had to stop. And if that wasn't enough, the same happened when the police intervened at home (yes), they'd separate us and quickly, they'd laser in on my father: "Sir, you have to stop now, if we have to come back, we'll have to take you with us". The fucking police. And you think that stopped him and made him change?

So pjhair, I really think you need to look into this disorder, I can assure you that the woman @Afro_Vacancy is mentioning here has been called out dozens, hundredth of times by a lot of people. Narcissists don't think there is something wrong with them, in their heads not only are they fine just the way they are. Also, they're a much better person than you are, and who are you to call them out anyway? Don't you know they're special and you should be grateful that they were even talking to you and considering spending some time with you? This is all a defense mechanism to hide their insecurities (even from themselves). And if you want another example, try to find a post where HairLossTalk's wanabee legend Wolf Pack admits he did something wrong or was wrong about something. Good luck with that.

Calling them out is pointless, that works with normal people, but you know what? You almost never have to do that with them, while with narcissists, you'll feel that it's what you're doing all the time, to no avail. I can take any non-narcissistic person around me I've called out, and every time, it was hard but the problem was fixed. They can self-reflect and say "OK I guess I was a bit of an asshole, sorry it won't happen again!" And this is something you'll never hear from the mouth of narcissist unless they're decompensating and trying to hoover you back in their pathological lives, but even then, it would be a lie, they just want you back so they can keep on abusing you.
That Guy wrote:
1 year ago
Also, guys..there's the matter that data shows 70% of people never even meet their Tinder matches. https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/use-t ... ng/1839174

Most people do it for *drum roll*

Image

This is from about 4,000 people surveyed.

If you're looking for love on Tinder, your chances of finding it are pretty low
Chances of finding love are pretty low for everybody (especially men), no matter what means you use.

So I think it's quite wise to use any means that's available to you, including online dating.

I wouldn't have met my girlfriend if it wasn't for Tinder. God bless those technological advancements.

Just don't get hung up on difficult women and stick to the ones who are enthusiastically replying to you and wanting to meet you.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by pjhair » 1 year ago

Admin wrote:
1 year ago
Yes. Let me expand on that, what a lot of people don't know is that there are two types of people among the population, normal people who are capable of changing their ways, adapt their behavior and recognize when they wrong and the others, they are the people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. The official statistics say that they make up for 1-2% of the population but it might be slightly higher than that. But they're rare enough and blend into the general population so well that people often don't know about them.

So they get confused and think think the disorder applies to the whole human race. Now this is a complicated subject and if you want to know more about it, there are many books by great mental health professionals out there that explain exactly what it is. I'll still try to explain it with my own words. Let's keep it simple: some people cannot be saved. I'll use the example of my father for that, he made (and still does to an extent) the life of my mother and I a living hell, constant verbal abuse, day in, day out. It blew up regularly at home, my mom and I blew up, we used to cry and yell at him, call him out like @pjhair suggested you do with that girl.

And it didn't stop there, we've seen more mental health professionals than I can count for family therapy sessions, and they've all said the same to him, that he was sick and that his behavior was not normal, that he was hurting us and that had to stop. And if that wasn't enough, the same happened when the police intervened at home (yes), they'd separate us and quickly, they'd laser in on my father: "Sir, you have to stop now, if we have to come back, we'll have to take you with us". The fucking police. And you think that stopped him and made him change?

So pjhair, I really think you need to look into this disorder, I can assure you that the woman @Afro_Vacancy is mentioning here has been called out dozens, hundredth of times by a lot of people. Narcissists don't think there is something wrong with them, in their heads not only are they fine just the way they are. Also, they're a much better person than you are, and who are you to call them out anyway? Don't you know they're special and you should be grateful that they were even talking to you and considering spending some time with you? This is all a defense mechanism to hide their insecurities (even from themselves). And if you want another example, try to find a post where HairLossTalk's wanabee legend Wolf Pack admits he did something wrong or was wrong about something. Good luck with that.

Calling them out is pointless, that works with normal people, but you know what? You almost never have to do that with them, while with narcissists, you'll feel that it's what you're doing all the time, to no avail. I can take any non-narcissistic person around me I've called out, and every time, it was hard but the problem was fixed. They can self-reflect and say "OK I guess I was a bit of an asshole, sorry it won't happen again!" And this is something you'll never hear from the mouth of narcissist unless they're decompensating and trying to hoover you back in their pathological lives, but even then, it would be a lie, they just want you back so they can keep on abusing you.

Malignant narcissistic personality disorder is as bad as you described. Probably even worse. However, I don't see any evidence that points to her having it. What evidence do you see? To me, she just sounds like a typical bitch who thinks that she is entitled to that kind of behavior by virtue of being a female . I too would have called her out on it. If nothing else, that would give me peace of mind.

By the way, your description of narcissists perfectly describes one of my cousin. He doesn't get along with anyone. Always claims his superiority over everyone around him and tries to dominate people. He attempted that with me but met with a strong response so after that he is very careful around me. In fact, now he seeks to befriend me. But I know better than to trust him. He is ugly but ended up with a really good looking women, thanks to arranged marriage. But even his wife despises him. She has said that to me a lot of times. She can't leave him though as divorce is not really acceptable in that society. I feel sorry for her. He knows he is widely disliked but always claims others are jealous of him because he is rich.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by JasonStatham » 1 year ago

Just my 2 cent but if you have problems with flaking women and get emotional every time and even call them out, then modern dating isn't for you.
I got it with the: "We men should start to call out flaky women" but that will bring you nothing. Why? Because she has simply 100 men on line that do anything for her. They won't care if she flakes even 5 times in a row. So to separate you apart from the epidemic of thirsty men is to simply don't care and ghost her. With luck, she WILL contact you because you simply did something that most men cant do.

It reminds me of another woman that flaked me and I "semi" called her out and her brain went into full blue screen mode. She had written on her Tinder profile something like: "I'm not like the other girls I'm gaming and like to stay at home blah blah". I wanted to ghost her but thought let's hurt her a bit. So I wrote her: "Well, I swiped right on you because I thought you are not like the other women, very sad you are" and I ghosted her for a week.
I checked her WhatsApp messages after the ghosting week and I had around 20 messages from her (and long ones) that basically described how different she is than other women and 120 different excuses why she flaked. But remember, she didn't say "sorry" in those 20 messages. It was everyone's fault but not her. Typical women online. But I hit her hard with my sentence. She really felt sorry. I wrote her one sentence: "No you are like the others, very disappointed how you treat me" and blocked her number. Felt at that time even better than having sex lol. The point is, she will forget this story in 1-2 weeks because her girlfriends will say: "Men are creepy on tinder you shouldn't met him in the first place blah blah". I don't think one of her friends will call her out on the story because they mostly did the same (because THEY CAN).

I know I bash a lot on women (Tinder makes you jaded) so I will be fair here and ask myself the question: "If I had the power in dating like women do, would I flake from time to time a women for a better one?" Probably yes.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by pjhair » 1 year ago

JasonStatham wrote:
1 year ago
I got it with the: "We men should start to call out flaky women" but that will bring you nothing. Why? Because she has simply 100 men on line that do anything for her. They won't care if she flakes even 5 times in a row. So to separate you apart from the epidemic of thirsty men is to simply don't care and ghost her. With luck, she WILL contact you because you simply did something that most men cant do.
Here is the thing bro, once a women behaves like the women Afro was talking to, I actually lose interest. I don't want to meet such women. Calling her out is something I am doing for me(it gives me peace of mind) and also in a hope that she might change her behavior(low chance but why not try?).

I might be a bit weird when it comes to it but I follow quid pro quo very strictly. I take a step if they take a step and the moment I see they are not putting as much effort as I am, I lose interest in them. So for example, if I text a girl and if she doesn't respond, I never text her again unless she texts me first. If i sense during chats that she is not as interested in the conversation as I am, I end the conversation. Not the best strategy if you want to get with a lot of women but that's just how I am.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by Admin » 1 year ago

pjhair wrote:
1 year ago
Malignant narcissistic personality disorder is as bad as you described. Probably even worse. However, I don't see any evidence that points to her having it. What evidence do you see? To me, she just sounds like a typical bitch who thinks that she is entitled to that kind of behavior by virtue of being a female . I too would have called her out on it. If nothing else, that would give me peace of mind.

By the way, your description of how narcissists perfectly describes one of my cousin. He doesn't get along with anyone. Always claims his superiority over everyone around him and tries to dominate people. He attempted that with me but met with a strong response so after that he is very careful around me. In fact, now he seeks to befriend me. But I know better than to trust him. He is ugly but ended up with a really good looking women, thanks to arranged marriage. But even his wife despises him. She has said that to me a lot of times. She can't leave him though as divorce is not really acceptable in that society. I feel sorry for her. He knows he is widely disliked but always claims others are jealous of him because he is rich.
The way I see it is that the MGTOW and The Red Pill types have had an encounter with one (or several) malignant female narcissist and then because of the shock it caused on their system, they started thinking that all women were like that. But even in my darkest times, I would just meet woman after woman they the vast majority of them didn't behave like described in those online communities at all.

But of course I encountered the occasional female narcissist and I'd start ranting about it for weeks, sometimes months and I'd wrongly believe that if that woman behaved this way, all the others are probably also like that but they're hiding it efficiently all the time. I was deeply wrong, and it caused me to hurt my ex-girlfriend in many ways. She was as sweet as could be, but I treated her like crap and ironically turned into a narcissist with her, because those thought patterns lead you to think "I'll get her before she gets me!".

This is a mistake, a kind of mind virus and those communities of men who have been broken by a malignant female narcissist don't help, they reinforce each other in their paranoid delusions and call anyone who try to talk some sense into them a blue-pilled idiot: "You'll see soon enough, your sweet girlfriend/wife will turn on you and she'll take you to the cleaners!"

Most women are not like that, most people are not like that. I don't believe the rules change because it's happening online. If she didn't want that situation to occur, she shouldn't have matched Afro at all. She knew she wasn't attracted to him from the start, make no mistake, but she feigns interest with many men because it provides her narcissistic supply. Every time I matched with a fatty or a girl that I knew would just be too ugly to even tolerate for me, I'd either unmatch her as fast as possible and that would be it.

My girlfriend did the same, I've never seen her give a guy hope or talk to him for extended periods of time. She told me some guys have tried, but she just can't help being bluntly honest "Sorry I'm just not interested, we don't know each other that much and I'd like you to stop talking to me now." Best course of action for everyone. But narcissists won't do that, they'll feign interest and string along countless people who'll give them their fix of narcissistic supply.

And I understand, I used to do that to an extent, but it's toxic and it leads you nowhere, it gives some women false hope and you feel like shit after stringing them along for too long, at least that's how I felt. But to narcissists, they just need that. That's why in Wolf Pack's head, he was still friends with all his exes, he thought that was normal and it showed how much of a good guy he was. And many people back then would just tell him "friends with all your exes, that's not right, who does that? How is it even possible?" Pathological narcissists do that.

I'd quickly lose it if my girlfriend was still chatting up or meeting up with her ex-boyfriend or flings, and she'd feel the same if I was still friends with my exes. It is not normal. That also shows that narcissists are unable to set proper boundaries with others. When you look at their Facebook or their Tinder account, it's just set up as a bottomless pit of narcissistic supply. They have hundreds of matches, thousands of friends, dozens of conversations going with different people that they don't even care about. They have shallow conversations with them and expect to be told only nice things. The moment they don't get that, the person gets cut off (discarded).

Afro was just one of those people in that giant web of narcissistic supply. She didn't give a fuck. Now I know that this conversation was short and shallow (just like those narcissists) and maybe we're deriving too much from it, but my point still stands: I don't care whether it's a chat at the bar, small talk with a colleague in the elevator, or a fucking Tinder conversation, you act like that at any level, you're being an asshole. No excuse like "well this is just Tinder". What do people mean with "just" Tinder? I've had great flings and one night stands with lovely women thanks to it when I was still dating, and I met my future wife and mother of kids on it. There is no "just Tinder", there is no excuse for not exercising common courtesy.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by Arjen » 1 year ago

pjhair wrote:
1 year ago
Here is the thing bro, once a women behaves like the women Afro was talking to, I actually lose interest. I don't want to meet such women. Calling her out is something I am doing for me(it gives me peace of mind) and also in a hope that she might change her behavior(low chance but why not try?).

I might be a bit weird when it comes to it but I follow quid pro quo very strictly. I take a step if they take a step and the moment I see they are not putting as much effort as I am, I lose interest in them. So for example, if I text a girl and if she doesn't respond, I never text her again unless she texts me first. If i sense during chats that she is not as interested in the conversation as I am, I end the conversation. Not the best strategy if you want to get with a lot of women but that's just how I am.
Just that maybe it is (the best strategy). I do not do it enough: listen to my instincts, only go for girls showing genuine interest, hell I even start liking girls who are taken. Your chances as a regular guy of landing a girl are slim enough as it is, but the “arrogance” of not following those common-sense-rules, instead trying to cherry-pick the ones I think fit me is basically suicide. I do need to get more pragmatic.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by pjhair » 1 year ago

Admin wrote:
1 year ago
Afro was just one of those people in that giant web of narcissistic supply. She didn't give a fuck. Now I know that this conversation was short and shallow (just like those narcissists) and maybe we're deriving too much from it, but my point still stands: I don't care whether it's a chat at the bar, small talk with a colleague in the elevator, or a fucking Tinder conversation, you act like that at any level, you're being an asshole. No excuse like "well this is just Tinder". What do people mean with "just" Tinder? I've had great flings and one night stands with lovely women thanks to it when I was still dating, and I met my future wife and mother of kids on it. There is no "just Tinder", there is no excuse for not exercising common courtesy.
Exactly. I expected certain level of decency even on Tinder. Not letting someone know that you are not going to show up on a date you agreed to go is very rude and selfish. An actual human being is sitting at the other side of the phone.

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by pjhair » 1 year ago

Arjen wrote:
1 year ago
Just that maybe it is (the best strategy). I do not do it enough: listen to my instincts, only go for girls showing genuine interest, hell I even start liking girls who are taken.
I have an anecdote related to this. Back in college, I started dating a girl. We used to meet for lunch at the college cafeteria. She was in a habit of coming 15 -20 minutes later than the agreed time which bothered me. I brought it up to her and she told me it wouldn't happen again. But the next day, she was again late for lunch. I was really upset this time and angrily told her to stop doing that. She was really apologetic and started coming on time. A couple of months later she told me that when I angrily told her to start being on time, she got turned on. I was kind of surprised to hear that. :D

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Re: What should you do when a girl flakes? Bad experience on Tinder

Post by Arjen » 1 year ago

pjhair wrote:
1 year ago
I have an anecdote related to this. Back in college, I started dating a girl. We used to meet for lunch at the college cafeteria. She was in a habit of coming 15 -20 minutes later than the agreed time which bothered me. I brought it up to her and she told me it wouldn't happen again. But the next day, she was again late for lunch. I was really upset this time and angrily told her to stop doing that. She was really apologetic and started coming on time. A couple of months later she told me that when I angrily told her to start being on time, she got turned on. I was kind of surprised to hear that. :D
That's interesting. We seem to have similar expectations regarding manners that have in my case nothing to do with just dating.
I am also very controlled - including my choice of words - and objective & differentiated when others (just like my best friend) would sometimes just lose their temper and call people/girls names in circumstances when I do not objectively find it justifiable to condemn them.

I've been told twice now by girls that just that gives you an air of aloofness/unapproachability, a lack of weaknesses, which, of course, is ironic.
I think the effect of occasionally getting angry/emotional would be even bigger, and I can imagine what happened there for you. :P

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